We had one of those times in church yesterday that in the moment is not funny AT ALL, but then afterwards when it's well behind you (and I'm not sure it's well enough behind me yet) all you can do is laugh because you survived and everyone is fine,
and sometimes that's just good enough.

And gosh, if you can't laugh about it then what can we do?

We were that family yesterday.  The one that you keep in the back of your head after you've managed your own brood for the hour-long service with a few hairy moments and think, "well, at least we had it more together than they did." 
And admit, you've totally done this because I have,
and well, maybe that's called karma because we were that family yesterday.

The one that was late (of course), and got ushered to the only open spot in the FRONT, right next to the CENTER aisle.  We had pouting and flailing and small princess figurines meant to quietly entertain WHACKING against the wooden pews.  We had kids clambering onto kneeling rails and jumping, we had kids that wanted up then down then up then down then up then down then up.  Kids were definitely not using whispering voices, and someone was crying because his paper got crumpled up, and kids were laughing, and Andrew and I were not.  

Afterwards, the families behind us and in front of us complimented us on our zone defense, which was totally a nicety, because it was pretty touch and go the entire time.  Like I told Andrew afterwards, we need to start going to church on Saturday night so that when we're done it's appropriate to go home and have a well-deserved glass of wine instead of feeling like it's probably not okay to go have a drink at noon
like I wanted to yesterday.

Okay, it's starting to get a little funny.

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Last week when I was dropping the big kids off at school, the preschool director and I were chatting in the hall about Nelle and her potty accidents she's been having all of a sudden the past couple of weeks.  Last Wednesday she had not one, but two potty accidents.  Her clothes she wore to school were wet, and then so were her backup set so they told her she could wear one of the backup pairs of pants from school and she got upset and cried and told them she wasn't going to because they were ugly.  

Now that made me laugh right away because she's right.
They were really really ugly pants.

Here's to a week of working on our zone defense
and finding the humor in the chaos that is our life right now.  

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angel wings and halo dress up set | tulle skirt (similar) | peter pan collar shirt

You know when you're going, going, going, and then all of a sudden you have this epiphany moment (or week in my case), where you're like, "this is all so, so good, but it's not all so so good FOR ME."? 

I had one of those moments.  Or a few really.

I alluded to the fact that I was changing things up for myself professionally on Insta last week, and it all really boils down to I need to work less.  I'm in this amazing spot with my work so it's difficult to explain or maybe understand.  You want to work less when you're in demand??

My clients are THE best.  I'm so incredibly fortunate to work with fantastic families who value and appreciate me as a photographer and friend.  And my calendar is full pretty much year round, and usually I start my busy season around September, but this year it feels like I've been in busy season since the middle of July and that's with turning away potentially really great clients because I've realized my limits and I'm above that threshold.  And then some.

I missed June last week.  I miss reading her books, and singing her a lullaby and putting her to bed.  I miss family dinner even if it's normally only 20 minutes long, and the kids are wild and don't always eat well...I miss that time where some days it's all we get together.  I miss time to just be.  I miss time to sit and talk with Andrew instead of just sitting beside him only halfway present while we watch TV and I check and answer work emails.  My kids miss the consistency of our daily routine, and they miss ME.

Last night I got home from a really wonderful shoot, and Henry was waiting in his room for me to come tuck him into bed.  I decided to lie down with him for a bit because it's been too long since I did that, and he's been more than a handful lately (read - lack of consistency is a nightmare with him at this stage), and I just felt like we both needed to reconnect in a positive way instead of butting heads like it has been too much over the past few weeks.  He was enamored.  Giggled and got so snuggly, and said after I had been with him for maybe a mere minute and a half, "I love when you spend time with me, Mommy."

My heart sank.  I get a lump in my throat just thinking about it again.

That gut-check is also incredibly reassuring that by limiting the amount of work I take on next year (and putting 100% of work me into those to make them STELLAR and intimate and personal and unique with lots of attention to detail and customer service), will let me be.

Be with my family more, be present, and just be.

I want more space to breathe energy and creativity
into my personal and professional life.  

And just breathe.  

Changes are scary, but this is where my heart is.
Andrew is 100% supportive, and it feels right.

This is going to be amazing for me, my fam, AND my amazing clients. 

Deep breaths, deep breaths. 
It's all going to be just fine.